Almost Ready to Return…

img_1162-1.jpgExactly a year ago this week, I was deeply involved in revamping my blog.  I worked with a wonderful web developer who helped me create the site that you see today.  We emailed almost daily for a few months to get to the beautifully finished product.  I shared my thoughts, wishes, ideas with Charlie.  He shared his advice, expertise, and knowledge with me.  The constant exchange invigorated me, making me excited for the debut of the new site and eager to start writing my daily blog posts once again!  I couldn't wait!  An incredible energy, motivation, and determination had come over me.  I was feeling alive and passionate about something. My brain was bursting with ideas and content.  It was all finally coming together. 

At the same time, other stuff was falling apart, pulling me in a completely different direction — I was raw, tired, afraid, and numb.  I wasn't here at all.  It was the news that the dreaded "C" word had touched my family bringing me down to a very low point.  So I was now also simultaneously in an awful state of mind.  I removed myself from the world for a time, consumed and unable to focus on anything other than the health of my loved one.  Fortunately, all ended well.  But the highs and lows of these two different things going on in my life at that time had me feeling torn.  On the one hand, I was feeling good & laser-focused and excited about something.  On the other hand, I was feeling defeated and helpless in a state of waiting.  

So what about all this, you ask?  Why bring it all up now?  Because somehow in the course of this year, I managed to let go of it all.  The good and the bad.  I allowed myself to go on hiatus from all emotion, energy, and motivation.  I decided on some subconscious level to just drift.  But you can only drift for so long before that nagging feeling comes back to haunt you, to remind you that you really want to continue living with purpose.  On purpose.

It's not the first nor the last time that this will happen to me.  But it is another reminder of how human and imperfect I continue to be.  I've been standing on the sidelines for awhile watching this all play out.  Noticing where I was, I lazily allowed myself to drift without fear of how long it would take for me to 'come back'.  I knew that at some point I would.  What's funny is that as I sit here writing this, the truth is that I'm not yet ready…but 'almost ready' to come back.  My personal nagging feeling to do some writing and living hasn't quite annoyed me enough to get me moving.  No.  Instead it's the constant reminders I've been getting from my mom for some time now — ever gently poking and prodding me, reminding me that she continues to check in for blog updates on a daily basis, hoping each morning she'll see something.  And just this week, it was also my friend Lerna gently pressuring me to get writing, forwarding me emails from Hay House….yes, I know.  Yes, I will.  The final push last night again from mom, reminding me that I spent so much time, effort, and money on creating this thing that I cared about so much.  Thank you for helping me remember to remember.  So while I'm not quite ready yet (whatever that means), I realized that you just have to start somewhere.  Even if starting somewhere simply means just dumping some thoughts into a meandering post.  

Today I am grateful for a creative outlet.